Dreams of an Opinionated Mind
My rants, beliefs and thoughts.
Dreams of Pleasure
Ideas of play.
Dreams of Darkness
Personal stories on a D/s theme
Practical Dreams
Things to think about in a D/s relationship
Other Dreams
Links to other sites.
About 4 years ago I discovered the world of online BDSM. At that time a friend introduced me to online, and to a group of people that were fun, interesting and most importantly, real. We had many wonderful discussions ranging from how to cook a good pasta sauce, to how effective is physical punishment, to intervention in other countries internal politics. We were a group of people brought together by a common interest but not solely defined by that interest. They were good times, but for various reasons the group disbanded, and I found myself wandering in the cyber world of BDSM.There are many people that I call real life snobs, that see online as only a place for wannabe's and players. I don't believe that, I don't believe any generalisation is 100% true. And yet I have seen a change online over the last few years, a movement from real people, not necessarily those that are involved in real life, to fantasy people. People seem no longer to be themselves online, instead they are there to play out some fantasy game and reality has to take a back seat. I have now basically limited my online activities to email lists as the world of cyber holds little appeal.
Some of the things that irritate me about cyber BDSM:
Begging for entry
In many of the BDSM rooms there is a requirement that subs and slaves must beg to be allowed in. Well hardly real, but putting that aside for a moment. If you have come into a room, you are in already, so begging seems a little redundant. As a test of how nonsensical this is, I private messaged one of the ops of a channel before entering it, and asked for permission to come in (I had a submissive nick) I was abused for this and told I was banned from the channel But surely this is what begging for entrance is.
The other side of this is what happens a lot when subs do beg. In a lot of occasions they are ignored anyway. The ops go about their business, not even noticing the submissive that has entered. A submissive friend of mine has worked out a polite but bitingly sarcastic response to being ignored as she leaves. But most submissives don't notice the no response as they wander in and start conversations without even waiting for the permission to be given. It seems to me to be all rather pointless.Collars
I have no problem with collars, or even online collars. But I do think cyber collars have gotten a little carried away. We now see consideration collars, protection collars, training collars, and the latest variety Velcro collars. I would never of conceived of putting a collar on someone solely because I was considering forming a relationship with them, but yet that is exactly what a consideration collar is. A dominant and submissive meet online, like each other and the dominant collars them saying that they are under consideration of being owned. Isn't that like getting an engagement ring on your first date. I wonder if it is because the dominant has no trust that the submissive won't go trolling in his or her absence.
The protection collar has, in my opinion been distorted. Originally when I came online I had a few submissives asking me to do the protection thing. Seems I am outspoken and don't take any crap. All this meant is if a dominant wouldn't take no for an answer, was too caught up in the fantasy they could come to me for help, and if they met someone they liked they would come to me to see what I thought. There was no D/s there, it was more, well I was the mother hen to them. The idea of protection never involved ownership. But now those with a protection collar are seen as owned submissives, and this was never meant to be the case.
The last variety, the good old Velcro collar. I have seen submissives uncollared in one channel, then moments later come into another channel with a collar on. It is basically.. oops my Owner is on, where is my collar. Or as soon as the dominant leaves so does the collar. It has in my opinion made the idea of a collar a joke, meaningless, at most jewellery and this was never the meaning of a collar.I am Dom, Hear me Roar
Just because someone has the ability to use the shift key and cap their nick does not necessarily make them a dominant, and definitely doesn't make them everyone's dominant. This is where the fantasy world takes over cyber BDSM. If a dominant ever tried to make people kneel, call them Master or Mistress, or hit someone they did not have a relationship with in any of the real life BDSM I have attended they would be at the very least evicted from the premises. But yet on cyber dominants expect all submissives to submit to them. Yes respect is needed, I personally think everyone, regardless of where their interests lie deserve respect. But that is totally different than expecting submission. Being a dominant does not make you everyone's dominant. Everyone is equal regardless if they use the shift key or not. Inequality only happens when there is an agreement, and consent.How hard is it to type NO The opposite side of the dominants on power trips are the submissives who believe they need to submit to everyone. I once had a young woman crying on my shoulder because some Master had done things to her she didn't want to have happened. I asked if she had told him not to do it, and she said she couldn't say no, because she was a submissive. Ok now for all you submissives reading this, a short lesson. See the N key on your keyboard, press it, now look for the O, see it, ok, press that one. And look you have said no. They say submission is a gift. Part of this means you can choose who you give it to. You do not have to be submissive to everyone, would you let your neighbour hit you, or kneel simply because the shop assistant said so. I hope not. As for saying no, if you strike a dominant from the above category, then the other form of no is the little x on the chat programme which will close the window.
I am not a Fantasy Image
This one is more personal. Maybe there are dominants out there that look like supermodels, and live their life in full fetishwear. And maybe there are perfectly proportioned submissives that walk around the house wearing only a corset and chains. However I do believe that most people when they are sitting at the computer do not get changed into fetishwear, and are in fact wearing a version of jeans and t-shit. As a female dominant I tend to get hit on a lot when I go online. I think there is a disproportionate amount of male submissives to female dominants. But the majority of those do not want to meet a real person. They do not want to know that I as a dominant have interests other than BDSM, they do not want to know that am not holding a crop in my hand as I type. (would make it damn hard to type if I did) They seem to want someone that will fulfil their fantasy image alone.Nipple Clamps hurt when they come off
Now I try not to be a snob there but if you are going to scene online it is a good idea that you only play with the areas you have some experience or knowledge of. I watched someone doing needle play in a room once, and the submissive was screaming in pain saying she had blood running down her breasts. This doesn't happen. Needles going in are the same as acupuncture and there is little to no blood involved, it definitely doesn't stream out of your body. The other side of this is the players that claim real life experience but show the total lack of knowledge. Anyone that has worn clamps for a period of time, know that there is a burst of pain when the blood rushes back first. If you are going to fake it, learn some basics or stick with what you know.